Am I Missing Something?

I've often heard that people really like the Psalms. Many people have a favorite or two - a Psalm that helps them remember what's important, gets them through the rough stuff, or helps them appreciate the good stuff. So as I was preparing to read the Book of Psalms, I was ready to find my favorites.

Do you know what I found? Nothing.

Not one Psalm spoke to me all that much. The discussion guide I bought to along with my reading said I should take note of Psalms that speak to me so I can refer back to them later when I need them or want to explore them more deeply. (We're on a tight reading time frame here - no time to think too much.) There was nothing I really felt I wanted to go back to. In Psalm 37, there was a line that jumped out to me and I underlined it, but it seemed more like a reminder than anything I wanted to ruminate on much. Most people that know me know that I'm quick to anger, so verse 8 that says "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil," was a nice reminder but not much more than that.

I guess I'm hard-hearted. Seriously - nothing in these 78 pages spoke to me? Some people have such emotional reactions to the Psalms, and granted, I'm not much of an emotional person, but nothing? Really?

Halfway There

I have now read half of the Bible. Let's just take a second and think about that for minute. Impressed? Me too.

I never in my life thought I would ever do this. And while that's a lofty accomplishment, it's not enough. I WILL complete this challenge. I WILL read then entire Bible in 90 days (or less - I've always been a bit of an overachiever you know). Despite the hard realities that this exercise has forced me to face and the fact that it brings up some of my own personal demons, I will be successful. I might not have any answers to the questions it brings up. I may not have the big "aha" moment or insights I thought about when I started, but I WILL do this.

Who knows - this may be the groundwork I need to accept things that come my way later in life. Though this exercise has unexpectedly challenged my faith, I still believe that God has a plan for me and maybe my reading the entire Bible will allow that plan to come to fruition...someday.

I belive! Help my unbelief.

After struggling with my reading for several weeks, I finally found the guts to voice my concerns in email to Pastor Becca. I went back and forth being angry and feeling guilty about being angry so I confided in Becca to see if she had any thoughts.

This is basically what Becca had to say:

A couple of thoughts…
You make an absolutely vital point when you say:

"It almost makes me think that if God is picking who is favored and who isn't despite what one does, what is the point in trying so hard?"

It IS unfair how it seems in the Old Testament how God gives grace to some and not others. The hard-to-understand truth about our faith is that we CAN'T earn God's favor. David didn't deserve it. Neither did Uzzah. Or any of them. Why God chooses some over others in the Old Testament is completely beyond our understanding, but even that is an act of extreme grace. Not a one of them deserved to be chosen. It was simply by God's undeserved grace.

But lest we get too upset over the unfairness of it all, we have to remember that the God we're reading about in the Old Testament is the same God whom we read about in the New… the God "who so loved the world that He sent his only son, that whosoever believes in him might have everlasting life."

God's intention, starting all the way back in the beginning, is that the whole world would be chosen, favored, saved. I don't claim to understand God's methods all the time, but I believe in the motive.

In the Gospels, there's a story of a man who comes to Jesus and asks him to heal one of his family members. Jesus gets a little frustrated in response because so many people have been asking for miracles, wanting Jesus to prove his power. And Jesus remarks about how little faith the people have. And the man falls down on his knees and says, "I believe! Help my unbelief."

That's a prayer I pray often. I believe. Help my unbelief. And I would encourage you to pray in that direction too. Think about the things you DO believe. Hold on to those things. And ask God to help you understand and believe in the things that you're not so sure about right now.

Though I've been a Christian my entire life, I never went beneath the surface much - that's how I like things. This exercise, though, has forced me to have to examine my faith in a different way and I wasn't prepared for that.

The Real Challenge

When I embarked on this reading the Bible in 90 days things, I thought the biggest challenge was going to be finding the time to read 1048 pages in 90 days. I was wrong. It turns out the bigger challenge for me is dealing with the content of what I'm reading.

I haven't written anything recently because I'm having a hard time consolidating the God I thought I knew growing up with the God I'm reading about in the Old Testament. I've struggled with our readings almost from day 1. I've never really read the Bible at all before so it's virtually all new to me. I've found that this reading is challenging my faith more than strengthening it. Intellectually, I know that I cannot not judge what is "right" and what isn't, but I find myself angry after reading almost every day.

I get that David is an example of how God loves us even though we are flawed. What I don't get is why some people are not only forgiven for huge transgressions, but are also exalted despite them while others seem to be punished for much less. Aaron's sons are example - their mistake seemed minor and they were immediately struck down. Moses was faithful in almost everything he did yet was not allowed in the promised land. This guy Uzzah in 1 Chron 13 merely touched the Ark to prevent it from falling of an ox and he was struck dead immediately. It almost makes me think that if God is picking who is favored and who isn't despite what one does, what is the point in trying so hard? I keep thinking that something will happen that will make me feel better about this but now that I'm halfway through the Bible and nothing has changed, I feel a little lost.

Is my reaction common with people reading the Bible the first time? Or maybe my faith isn't strong enough at this point to get something out of reading the Bible? I feel bad about being so angry about the reading but I can't help my reaction. I never would have guessed that the hardest part about reading the Bible wouldn't be the time commitment, but what I was learning.

Flawed

Sunday school did me a disservice. I went to Sunday school for roughly 15 years and learned all sorts of stories from the Bible. But here's the thing - it was mostly a bunch of crap. Ok, maybe that a bit harsh. It was all whitewashed. While that makes sense for when you're young, it seems to me that at some point they should let you in on the harsh realities of the Bible. Maybe then you'd be more prepared for the harsh realities of life.

A prime example of this whitewashing is David. Both 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel are basically about David. I've always thought of David as being a good and righteous man. As a young, scrawny kid he was victorious over the mighty Goliath, who's name is now synonymous with huge, with just a slingshot. We were taught that this was possible because God had chosen him to be great. We then see that because God was with David, he was able to defeat the Amalekites, Philistines, Moabites, Arameans and Edomites, and probably a bunch of other people that I missed. God assures David that his name will be made great.

But guess what? Turns out David is just another flawed, messed up person. He saw a woman he thought was a hottie, slept with her, got her pregnant and then decided he needed to fix his "situation" by trying to get hottie's husband to come back from the war for a conjugal visit. When hottie's husband refused, David basically kills the poor guy and takes his wife for himself. He orders that Uriah be in the front line of a battle where the fighting is fiercest, pretty much sealing his fate. God is not happy with David. But God is still with him. He protects David from Saul, who tries to kill him many, many times in many, many places.

The story of David is disappointing. I thought he was a "good guy," and maybe he mostly was. But he made a pretty big mistake. I wished I would have been taught the good and the bad about this guy. We go through life learning about "heroes" - whether they are the people in the Bible or people from history. But we only learn the good things about these people. We learn Moses led his people out of Egypt but we don't learn he ticked God off enough that he didn't get to the promised land with them. We learn FDR was the architect of the New Deal but we don't learn he had a mistress, kept her near him when he was in the White House and made his wife live near her. We learn that JFK helped the US avoid a nuclear crisis but we don't learn how many girlfriends he had while he was married. We learn David defeated Goliath but we don't learn he kills a guy for practically no reason. When we only learn the good things about people, we're being conditioned to admire them. A lot of times these people aren't worthy of being admired.

I admit that I have high expectations of people. I want them to make good decisions. I want them to good to the people in their lives. I want them to be responsible and sensitive to the needs of others. And I'm almost always disappointed.

So even though I was disappointed in David when I finally learned the whole truth about him, maybe it's actually a good thing. Stories like this show us that people are flawed, even the ones that God chooses. This is a lesson I could stand to learn. Just because people make a mistake or don't behave as you'd like them to, it doesn't mean they aren't good people. If God can still love them, the least I can do is try to do the same.

Fighting

I think I'm probably missing the deeper meaning of a lot of what I'm reading. Part of that is due to me and part of that is due to the reading plan - reading the entire Bible in 90 days is quite aggressive and doesn't leave time for much reflection. Whatever the reason, I basically see a lot of the same thing throughout Joshua, Judges, Ruth and 1 Samuel. Here's where we are: the Israelites finally reach the promised land. Once they get there they have to kick the former inhabitants out - which means a lot of fighting a lot of people. In between various wars and attacks, the chosen people resume their evil ways by worshiping idols or not completely destroying their plunder. Then they cry out to the Lord and are forgiven and the whole cycle starts over again. How's that for a Cliff's Notes version of 3 books of the Bible?

At this point I've finished 20 days of reading (I'm 3 days ahead!) and I hate to admit it, but I resent the amount of time this is taking. How selfish is that? I only have to read 12 pages a day, and yes, that takes about 45 minutes to read, but it's only 45 minutes a day. But resent it I do. I'd rather go out with my friends, get in a decent workout, or work through lunch to get more stuff done. Heck, some days I find that watching something on TV is more of a priority. I have to force myself stop and think about all that God has given me and when I think that spending 45 minutes a day with the Scriptures is an imposition, I am ashamed. Not normally ashamed enough to have a different attitude, however. In that respect, how different am I from the Israelites who can't seem to learn from their mistakes?

With all the differences that exist between my life and that of the people I'm reading about, and though my battles aren't with neighboring people but within myself, I'm a lot more like the Israelites than I originally thought. We're both still fighting.

Listen to Me One More Time

Here's how I see the book of Deuteronomy - it's basically a final set of instructions from Moses to the chosen people. It comes across very similar to a scene of parents dropping their child off at college and reminding them of everything they've been taught the previous 18 years. Moses is not telling his people anything new. He knows his time is limited. He won't go into the promised land. The closest thing the poor guy gets is to go up to the top of Mt. Pisgah and look at it from afar. But before his people can go on without him, Moses needs to remind them of all the things they've been instructed to do, and not to do. He even repeats the 10 Commandments.

I can almost feel Moses' urgency in giving these final lessons. With the benefit of hindsight, I know these people are not going to uphold their end of the deal with God. Does Moses know this too? It seems like it. He desperately wants his people to keep their covenant with God. They won't.

After giving the people one last reminder that their future is up to them, Moses sanctions Joshua to take his place, blesses the tribes, sends them on their way to complete the task started 40 years earlier, and dies on Mt. Nebo.

Why are lessons so hard to learn? Why do we struggle to do the right thing? It's easy for me to read these books and look down my nose on these people that seem to be very slow learners. But 3400 years later, have we learned anything?