Am I Missing Something?

I've often heard that people really like the Psalms. Many people have a favorite or two - a Psalm that helps them remember what's important, gets them through the rough stuff, or helps them appreciate the good stuff. So as I was preparing to read the Book of Psalms, I was ready to find my favorites.

Do you know what I found? Nothing.

Not one Psalm spoke to me all that much. The discussion guide I bought to along with my reading said I should take note of Psalms that speak to me so I can refer back to them later when I need them or want to explore them more deeply. (We're on a tight reading time frame here - no time to think too much.) There was nothing I really felt I wanted to go back to. In Psalm 37, there was a line that jumped out to me and I underlined it, but it seemed more like a reminder than anything I wanted to ruminate on much. Most people that know me know that I'm quick to anger, so verse 8 that says "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil," was a nice reminder but not much more than that.

I guess I'm hard-hearted. Seriously - nothing in these 78 pages spoke to me? Some people have such emotional reactions to the Psalms, and granted, I'm not much of an emotional person, but nothing? Really?

Halfway There

I have now read half of the Bible. Let's just take a second and think about that for minute. Impressed? Me too.

I never in my life thought I would ever do this. And while that's a lofty accomplishment, it's not enough. I WILL complete this challenge. I WILL read then entire Bible in 90 days (or less - I've always been a bit of an overachiever you know). Despite the hard realities that this exercise has forced me to face and the fact that it brings up some of my own personal demons, I will be successful. I might not have any answers to the questions it brings up. I may not have the big "aha" moment or insights I thought about when I started, but I WILL do this.

Who knows - this may be the groundwork I need to accept things that come my way later in life. Though this exercise has unexpectedly challenged my faith, I still believe that God has a plan for me and maybe my reading the entire Bible will allow that plan to come to fruition...someday.

I belive! Help my unbelief.

After struggling with my reading for several weeks, I finally found the guts to voice my concerns in email to Pastor Becca. I went back and forth being angry and feeling guilty about being angry so I confided in Becca to see if she had any thoughts.

This is basically what Becca had to say:

A couple of thoughts…
You make an absolutely vital point when you say:

"It almost makes me think that if God is picking who is favored and who isn't despite what one does, what is the point in trying so hard?"

It IS unfair how it seems in the Old Testament how God gives grace to some and not others. The hard-to-understand truth about our faith is that we CAN'T earn God's favor. David didn't deserve it. Neither did Uzzah. Or any of them. Why God chooses some over others in the Old Testament is completely beyond our understanding, but even that is an act of extreme grace. Not a one of them deserved to be chosen. It was simply by God's undeserved grace.

But lest we get too upset over the unfairness of it all, we have to remember that the God we're reading about in the Old Testament is the same God whom we read about in the New… the God "who so loved the world that He sent his only son, that whosoever believes in him might have everlasting life."

God's intention, starting all the way back in the beginning, is that the whole world would be chosen, favored, saved. I don't claim to understand God's methods all the time, but I believe in the motive.

In the Gospels, there's a story of a man who comes to Jesus and asks him to heal one of his family members. Jesus gets a little frustrated in response because so many people have been asking for miracles, wanting Jesus to prove his power. And Jesus remarks about how little faith the people have. And the man falls down on his knees and says, "I believe! Help my unbelief."

That's a prayer I pray often. I believe. Help my unbelief. And I would encourage you to pray in that direction too. Think about the things you DO believe. Hold on to those things. And ask God to help you understand and believe in the things that you're not so sure about right now.

Though I've been a Christian my entire life, I never went beneath the surface much - that's how I like things. This exercise, though, has forced me to have to examine my faith in a different way and I wasn't prepared for that.

The Real Challenge

When I embarked on this reading the Bible in 90 days things, I thought the biggest challenge was going to be finding the time to read 1048 pages in 90 days. I was wrong. It turns out the bigger challenge for me is dealing with the content of what I'm reading.

I haven't written anything recently because I'm having a hard time consolidating the God I thought I knew growing up with the God I'm reading about in the Old Testament. I've struggled with our readings almost from day 1. I've never really read the Bible at all before so it's virtually all new to me. I've found that this reading is challenging my faith more than strengthening it. Intellectually, I know that I cannot not judge what is "right" and what isn't, but I find myself angry after reading almost every day.

I get that David is an example of how God loves us even though we are flawed. What I don't get is why some people are not only forgiven for huge transgressions, but are also exalted despite them while others seem to be punished for much less. Aaron's sons are example - their mistake seemed minor and they were immediately struck down. Moses was faithful in almost everything he did yet was not allowed in the promised land. This guy Uzzah in 1 Chron 13 merely touched the Ark to prevent it from falling of an ox and he was struck dead immediately. It almost makes me think that if God is picking who is favored and who isn't despite what one does, what is the point in trying so hard? I keep thinking that something will happen that will make me feel better about this but now that I'm halfway through the Bible and nothing has changed, I feel a little lost.

Is my reaction common with people reading the Bible the first time? Or maybe my faith isn't strong enough at this point to get something out of reading the Bible? I feel bad about being so angry about the reading but I can't help my reaction. I never would have guessed that the hardest part about reading the Bible wouldn't be the time commitment, but what I was learning.